


Waiting for Jean

by Dannell Lites Archivist (offpanel_archivist)



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-27
Updated: 2000-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1746596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offpanel_archivist/pseuds/Dannell%20Lites%20Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to "Waiting for Jeannie" from Scott's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting for Jean

**Author's Note:**

> This story is archived on behalf of Dannell Lites, who passed away in 2002, with the permission of her family. Posting date approximate.
> 
> \--
> 
> SPIFFY DISCLAIMER THINGIE!!!  
> I don't own them (mores the pity!); they're Marvel's and Ah'm usin'em without permission:):) Ah ain't makin' a plug nickel! If ya'll sue me Scotty is gonna be right *peeved* ...
> 
> Rated G for absolute purity of content! No sex, no drugs, no rock and roll:):)
> 
> This is a sequel of sorts to moi's story "Waiting For Jeannie"! The triangle between Jean, Logan, and Scott has long fascinated moi! "Waiting For Jeannie" was from Logan's POV. This one is from Scott's:):)
> 
> "Waiting For Jeannie can be found at: WaitingJeannie.html
> 
> Enjoy!:):)

You sit quietly and wait. Charles has told you many times that you must cultivate this virtue. Be patient, he always advises you. Charles is a wise man and you have always heeded his advice. You believe in his Dream, yes, you do. It is imperative that you believe. For if mutants and humans cannot live together in peace then you are lost. You are not one of the ones who can hide what they are. Magneto cannot be right. He cannot. ... can he? You have struggled to believe; to do your best to bring The Dream to fruition. For most of your life you have struggled. You have fought and trained; raised your voice in quiet opposition to the man who has been your father since he succored you as a lost and frightened boy. And you have not counted the cost.

Except maybe for Jean.

The thought that your battle may have cost you the woman you love is devastating to you. From the beginning there was Jean. The moment you saw her you were lost. Lost in those clear emerald eyes and that glorious smile. When you cried, "Good girl, Jean!" in the midst of a battle, she alone could hear you saying "I love you!" even before she became the powerful telepath she is today. She has always known you. The real you; not this cold martinet you all too often show to others. You have sometimes wondered if it entirely by accident that the two people who know and love you best, Jean and Charles, are potent telepaths. The thought that you are so closed off, so tied up within your self that no one else can really see you is not pleasant. How did that happen? You do not know. But Jean's happiness is not an option. It was when you realize that this is true for Logan as well that you began to understand him. After all, you have at least *one* thing in common.

It is not difficult for you to see why he loves her. And he does love her. It shines in his eyes when he looks at her; that soft contentment and deep longing. It was easy to recognize. You see it every day mirrored in your own eyes. Anxiously, you scan the doorway of the small boathouse that is your home, searching for a shock of long red hair, a ready glimpse of jade green eyes. Your hands knot reflexively into fists at your side. Carefully, deliberately, you unfurl them. No. Anger is not the answer. You will avoid that trap. You have failed at many things in your life, but you will not fail at this. You failed as a husband to Madelyn because she was not Jean and you wanted her to be. You failed as a father to Nathan because there was no time. Slymm was not enough to save him from becoming Cable. You failed to protect Alex, your little brother and he died. It occurs to you that you have failed almost everyone you care about ...

Except maybe for Jean.

Others have failed you as well. That is the nature of humanity. Charles loves you in his cool, distant way but it has not stopped him from using you terribly. You are his son in all but blood. Yet time after time he has sent you to fight for him because his crippled body will not let him; to lead the only friends you have ever known into the jaws of Hell. And they have always followed you. There are times you can scarcely fathom your unworthiness for the procession of such brothers and sisters.

Your natural father, Corsair has failed you too. He abandoned you. Abandoned you to the machination of Mister Sinister and his hellish orphanage. To Charles' well intended training and the increasing pain of life as a mutant; an outsider. He did not wish to leave you alone and bereft. He had no choice. You understand this. And yet ... yet ... He was not there for either of your weddings. He was not there for the birth of his grandson. He was not there when you buried Alex. You have forgiven him for his initial abandonment. You will never forgive him for the continual, ongoing abandonment he practices now.

Cable has failed you too. He has failed to nurture that part of him that Slymm and Redd worked so hard to keep alive. He has guarded his heart with such steely barriers that you fear he may be unreachable now. Perhaps Domino may break through where you could not. But through it all Jean has been there. Not once have you reached for her hand and grasped the empty air. She is a part of you. A part of you that warms you when the dreams come in the frightening depths of the night. Yes, Jean has always been there. Like a part of your body that cannot be torn away without great pain and blood. You cannot imagine yourself without her. There are time when you are sure that everyone you know has failed you in some fashion or another.

Except maybe for Jean.

You are sitting quietly more than twenty feet away, alone on the bed you share, and still the tremble of her lips tears at your heart as she steps through the door and quietly closes it behind her. She holds out her hand to you and the simple gold circle of her wedding band gleams brightly in the soft light of the small home the two of you have forged against such terrible odds. In a great rush the breath you have been unknowingly holding flies from your lungs with a great whoosh. You can breathe again now. It amazes you that everyone cannot hear your great shout of joy. But it is buried deep within you like an iceberg floating on the surface of the sea, the most of it submerged and not visible to the eye.

For a moment the sheer joy of it stuns you. She slips as silently into your arms as she slipped into your heart. You hold her for long moments and the two of you cling to one another; nothing more. Her breath is warm against your damp skin but the feel of her body is sweet. Your damning eyes see the gentle rise and fall of her breasts, up and down, up and down. If you could describe your vision of Heaven to another person it would be to see Jean's face again, as it is, unencumbered by your ruby quartz prison. Her eyes are calm and full of love. But the rest of her shakes and trembles under the assault of sadness and loss. Your heart remembers the feel of her happiness at Logan's smile, the sound of her laughter, the touch of her hand. The echo of her voice releasing your name with a final caress. She desired you. No one else before her had ever done this for you. She loves you and thereby taught you your own worth. No one else had ever cared enough to teach you this simple thing.

Except maybe for Jean.

It is clear that she will be staying with you. She will not go with Logan. No, she will stay with you and her family. You, who have scarcely known a family. It would be easy, now, to shout in triumph; to exalt in your victory. Easy and damaging. These are selfish things. Her eyes ... those beautiful emerald gates to your happiness, sparkle now with unshed tears, stabbing at you with sharp, merciless blades. Does she need Logan so badly, you wonder? Is he that important to her? Perhaps, without him, your Phoenix is not complete? Disturbing thoughts. But how true are they? Truer than you would like them to be, of that you are certain.

When the first scalding tear trickles down Jeans face, you are lost.

Wordless, you reach for her. Like a falling oak, The Phoenix, Tiphareth, Child of The Sun, lowers her head onto your chest and weeps. Your body moistened with her tears, you join her. It is clear to you now what must be done. But ... can you do it? Can you? It's a simple thing, really. So very simple. All you have to do is say the word. Let her know that she is free. That you will not cage her. She is your Phoenix, risen from the ashes ... and that she must follow her heart wherever it leads her. It's not too late. Logan, you know, will return, eventually. Simple ... so very simple ... All you have to do is open your mouth and speak.

All you have to do is tear out your heart.

"God, I'm sorry, Jean," you whisper in her ear, "I'm so sorry ...."

With trembling lips you kiss her eyes closed to shut out the sight of her pain. The sharp, salt tang of her tears is almost overpowering, invading your body, becoming a part of you. You stroke her hair. Beneath your caress she seems to quiet, like a wild animal brought to sudden, inexplicable domestication. You've seem Logan do that and it always amazes you. She lifts her head and tries to smile, a wan effort.

"I want her to see my eyes," you think in desperation. But she cannot. No one can. Even you have forgotten what color they are.

 

 

There. It is done. It is said. There is no going back now, is there?

Startled, she regards you closely, searching for the truth. You must dig deep for the joy she needs to see. Like a fountain, it wells up within you and comes spilling out your eyes. Joy begets joy and the relief and happiness you see mirrored on that beautiful face are worth whatever pain has given them birth. Her arms enfold you and her hand curls around the back of your neck protectively. Her hand spreads over your chest, just above your heart .

 

And then she is within you, quietly ghosting along the corridors of your mind, leaving soothing love and joy in her wake. Her joy is your joy, a part of you now, just as she is. Whatever happens now, you have made Jean happy. Nothing can take that from you. Nothing.

Still you sit quiet, but no loner alone and no longer waiting. You will never be alone. What will happen now you do not know. Jean is the one who will decide. If she takes Logan as a lover, then you will be happy for the joy they share. Jean's happiness will not diminish your own; only increase it. If she loves Logan that does not diminish her love for you. Is the human heart so small that there can be room for only one within it? No. Jean loves you. It is enough.

As you hear the jeep pull away from the house with a plaintive roar; you spy the quick flash of pain in Jean's eyes and flinch as though the agony were lodged in your own body. Jean is swift to shield you from her psychic pain through the link you share. Amazed, you enfold her in strong arms, silently, feeling unworthy. You have always felt unworthy. But Jean has taught you differently, hasn't she? It is in striving to accept her love, to be worthy of it, that you have discovered your own worth. That is a battle you have won at last. Jean's last gift to you.

Your name is Scott Summers and they tell you that you are the Leader of The X-Men. The best of them all; Charles' avatar ... That you are a noble man and fine leader. You have endured and done your best to be a good man. They tell you that you have succeeded. You have done many brave things and many hard and difficult things in your short life ... and in all that life you fear that no has ever really loved you ...

Except maybe for Jean.


End file.
